1.Steal his red contacts.

2.Krazy glue a Mohawk to his head. A pink one.

3.Spray tan him while hes sleeping and make sure his palms are bright orange.

4.Set him up on a blind date with Umbridge.

5.Send him a howler than when opened (or ignored) says Avada Kedavra.

6.Make a life-size cut-out of Dumbledore and place it next to his bed so its the first thing he sees when he wakes up.

7.Put a picture of Harry Potter in Slytherins Locket.

8.Transfigure one of his horcruxes into a head of lettuce and feed it to a flobberworm.

9.Give him Leprechaun gold for his birthday and tell him not to spend it all in one place. When it disappears, tell him that you told him so.

10. Slip love potion into his tea that makes him fall madly in love with Draco Malfoy.

11.Leave a box of chocolates from a secret admirer on his pillow. Make sure the box is pink with lots of lace a sequins.

12. Tell him, in Parseltongue, that he greatly resembles a basilisk.

13. Transfigure him into a small dog and give him to Paris Hilton.

14.Tell him hes going to a We hate Harry Potter convention in Chicago, and sign him up for an Oprah episode about abusive, controlling people and how to deal with them.

15. When hes feeling grumpy, give him a Midol.

16. Sign him up for a LOreal commercial, because hes worth it.

17. Ask him if the reason behind the obsession with Harry Potter is because he has a secret crush on him. Promise to keep it a secret.

18.Call him Lord Moldyshorts.

19. Make him a myspace page having Harry Potter as his top friend, and photoshop pictures of him worshipping an HP shrine.

20. Ask him if he got the no-nose idea from Michael Jackson.

21.Then ask him if he is going to start sharing beds with the children of Death Eaters.

23. Ask why he has to be so dramatic all of the time. Send him to anger management classes.

24. When he says hes the best, remind him that hes only third best.

25. Pull out a picture of Harry and Dumbledore and stroke it fondly.

26. Fart very loudly and tell him that he is lucky for not having a nose, because it really smells.

17. Tell him that Malfoy insists on being called Lucy and is going to refer to The Dark Lord as Ricky Retardo.

28.When he storms out of a room, make sure to put your foot in front of his legs. When hes on the floor, smile and ask him what hes doing down there.

29. When he sets out to kill someone, hum the theme for the Wicked Witch of the West.

30. Sit in his armchair and place pictures of Hogwarts alumni that have succeeded on every nearby table. Tell him you put them there to remind him how he's done. Make sure the biggest portrait is of Dumbledore laughing.

31. Glue hair all over his robes, and when he puts them on, insist hes been drinking Polyjuice Potion with cat hair in it and pet him gently saying Pretty Kitty!

32. Run around in a Death eater mask saying Tom, I am your fathah!

33. Invite a group of young muggle children to the mansion and tell them fictional stories about how Voldie has failed to kill the great and powerful Harry Potter. Make sure its at the same time as a DE meeting.

34. Replace his wand with one of Fred and Georges trick ones. Make him mad and when he tries to do the killing curse and a rubber chicken appears in his hand, laugh hysterically.

35. When the Death Eaters are plotting against Harry Potter, hum the Mission Impossible theme.

36. Fly around the room on a broom autographed by Harry Potter and sing I believe I can fly!

37. In the middle of a DE meeting, Interrupt very loudly to tell him that his Harry called and said he would love to record Teletubbies for him.

38. Order a lot of gay porn, dildos, and things like that. Walk in on the next DE dinner, dump it all on the table, and tell him that youve maxed out all of your credit cards buying the shit for him!

39.Buy him a brand new cane and tell him that vertical stripes are very slimming.

39. Buy him a very big fur coat, fur hat, and pimp cane, then go around blasting hip-hop while telling him to smack a hoe.

40. Ask him a very simple question such as What color is that chair?

41. Cover yourself in an invisibility cloak and walk into his office. Start knocking everything off the shelves, breaking as much as you can, and whisper whoooooooo when you get close to him.

42. Walk around his office while hes pacing and smack his butt. Ask him if he likes it. Keep doing it, regardless of the answer, and after a while tell him that hed better like it or youll go Crucio on his ass!

43. Knit him a scarf with the initials HJP on it .

44. Whenever out in public with him, scream, and jump on his back, saying I missed you, Mommy!

45. As DEs are leaving a meeting, make sure to send them off with complimentary pictures of Tommy with his very first diaper rash. Make sure to point out the boils around his You-know-what and say that he has very sensitive skin.

46. During a meeting, run and scream Honey! Its time to take your yeast infection pill!

47. Follow him around with tampons saying I will not keep washing your bloody underwear! whenever a Death Eater is around.

48. At a DE dinner, tell him that his daughter called and wanted to know if you are still taking her to the zoo on Saturday. When the Death Eaters ask if he has a daughter say Well, Harry was having a little trouble with impregnating him, so they had to adopt a 12 year old girl from muggle China.

49. Ask him why he doesnt have a cool scar.

50. Constantly chew bubble gum with your mouth wide open, and sing about how beautiful cows look when they're grazing.

51. Say "Like taking candy from a baby" whenever something is easy, then follow by saying "Of course SOME might find that a little harder than others. "and look directly at him.

52. Play Ding-Dong-Ditch on his door late at night, and when he comes to find out who did it, snore extremely loudly.

53. Call him The-man-who-let-the-boy-live

54. When he calls you to his lair, sing "Im off to see the Wizard, the wizard who cant kill a toddler!"

55. Insist that his new lair should be the basement of the nearest Wal-Mart. 56. Pinch him, and when he asks why you did it, tell him you thought you were dreaming.

56. Glue caterpillars to his face while hes sleeping.

57. Be cheerful.

58. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like "Its your funeral".

59. Tease him about his middle name. "Marvolo? What is that? A washing detergent?"

60. Greet him in the mornings with a "My, Sir. You look particularly menacing today". And make sure you have a huge grin on your face.

61. Keep a good behavior chart. When hes good, give him stars, and when hes good for a week, give him a badge saying "Im shooting for the stars! "
62. Color with permanent marker Potter-Style glasses on his face while hes sleeping.

63. Set off Party Poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes.

64. When hes in the midst of plotting a very important plan, whisper "Did you ever have a girlfriend? Like ever?"

65. Get finger puppets resembling himself and Harry Potter, and re-enact all of his losses, makign sure to give them both extremely squeaky voices. 66. Ask him to give you all his revenge plans before actually doing them.

When he says no, take them anyway and correct his spelling.

67. Make him watch The Music Man. And when he begs for it to stop, put on Mr. Rogers.

68. When hes having plan-block, levitate a light bulb above his head and smile sheepishly.

69. Buy him a stress ball with Harry potters face on it. Put lavender scented soap on his pillow before he goes to bed.

70. Give him a purse filled with Chiclets.

71. When he laughs maniacally, offer him a tic tac.

72. Whack him in the eye and say "Mosquito".

73. Start roasting Nagini, and offer him some.

74. Imperio the Death Eaters into a chorus of "Do you believe in magic?"

75. Throw him a Care-Bears birthday party.

76. Dress up for Halloween as a Dumbledore.

77. Ask "Are you sure the evil-guy-out-for-revenge-against-the-whole-world thing isnt getting old?" And then run.

78. Get him to play scrabble with you and insist xyqzf is a word.

79. Remind him that, according to the Ministry, he isnt actually alive.

80. Read him bedtime stories. The Ugly Duckling being the most read. 81. Turn his closet into a Ginny Weasley shrine and insist that it will help him get closer to the mind of Harry.

81. Write a story about a super hero (Hairy Potty) defeating the evil villain Moldyshorts, and then laugh about how he still loses, even to a toilet.
82. Sign him up for Little League. Make sure hes on the team with the brightest color jersey.

83. Throw biscuits at him constantly and yell Food fight! Imperio

84. Bring out a big banjo at Death Eater meetings and start singing Kumbayah.

85. Sew sequins and lace on his robes and coat them with glitter.

86. Be alive.
7.12.07 02:56
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